Four years ago, I didn’t care much for poetry. I found it superfluous and long-winded, and too flowery for me to sit down and patiently make my way towards understanding it. More than anything, it wasn’t an emotional experience for me, unlike the prose I was reading quite a bit of at the time. I partly blame this on the way poetry was presented to me in school, as lyrics analysis and commentary were a big part of what we were doing in our literature class, and later on, what we had to revise for our final year exam. Scrutinising a lyrical text for meanings wasn’t hard for me and I was able to see the beauty in it; it just didn’t make me feel anything, though.
Things have changed, as the title’s already suggested. Writing poetry has now become a daily practice for me, and I can hardly imagine my life without it. I am now reading more poetry than prose, and I have attended my fair share of poetry reading events. Although this is a thing I’m not exactly willing to spill the beans on at this moment in time, I am trying to get my poetry published. In this post, I want to share how this journey of mine started. For you, potential aspiring writers, this will be insight into how another fellow poet has started. For me, this is a journal entry to go back to years from now, capturing how the experience of writing has changed for me.
As a writer, most of my compulsive purchases are notebooks. Notebooks of all kinds, for all purposes. I also can't leave anywhere without a trusty notebook in my bag. No-one can tell when inspiration strikes next.
(source: personal archive)
I’ve loved writing since I learned how to write, basically. Before that, I was fascinated by storytelling and books, and my favourite games as a child usually involved play-pretend of sorts. It was obvious that I wanted to create, so it was no surprise to my parents when I started writing my own stories. I still have and will always religiously hold on to the first book that I’ve ever written,about two hundred pages worth, written by hand and finished when I was 13. Needless to say, it wasn’t a masterpiece. Another thing I was into writing were lyrics, but that was mostly because I enjoyed music. I listened to all kinds of music and was mesmerised by the visual impressions that it’s always made on me (and as I revealed in a post almost a year ago, that was such because I was synaesthetic). Since I didn’t have any musical training at the time – it would be at least four years before I started learning how to play the guitar and how to make music using computer software – I resorted to imagining how music that I made sounded like and writing the lyrics for that. I’m not musically talented in any way so I didn’t get much of a result, but I was happy to write lyrics, nevertheless.
In time, everything that I’ve learned about writing lyrics was gradually incorporated in what is now my poetry; for example, writing in English exclusively. Although not my first language and, of course, not my best one either, English was for me the right, almost instinctive way to write poems, just because I was used to hearing it in all my favourite music, and therefore made sense of its lyricism easier, rather than in my mother language. Even now, listening to music while writing lyrics down gives me inspiration and creates a rather fruitful mental space for coming up with good poems. Some of the artists that I look up to have influenced the way I write: Taylor Swift, Lorde, twenty one pilots, Marina and the Diamonds, Arctic Monkeys. Going back to some of my old poems, I can guess what kind of music I was listening to around the time I got the ideas for the lyrics down, because the words that I used, the style and registry, the motifs and even the feel of the text say a lot about whose songs spoke to my heart at the time.
The transition from music lyrics to poetry lyrics was a natural process for me, mainly promped by my own quest of figuring out what the deal was with poetry. When I was 16, I discovered the now insanely popular Instagram and Tumblr poetry: not exactly quality content, but definitely a telltale sign that anyone can write poetry and put it out there if they want to. Poetry no longer looked like a secret club with a limited number of members, for which you had to have a particular quantity of emotional depth and the ability to use creative language according to certain rules to be a part of. Finally, poetry was presented to me the way it should’ve been from the very first start: a path to delivering an important message, that you can make and unmake your way. It was going against everything I’ve ever believed about poetry, but it looked tempting to try, nevertheless. Since I was not getting anywhere with my musical endeavours anytime soon, it seemed like worth giving a try.
I don't have many candid pictures of me immersed in the creative process, but those that I do have, I cherish.
(source: personal archive)
Around the same time, I discovered performance poetry, which overturned my expectations of writing poems once again. That was the moment I realised that poetry can, in fact, be socially meaningful, even empowering. Certainly not as effective as a political reform or mass participation by the public, putting words together in a beautiful way seemed like a chance to make a change. You didn’t need to be an exceptionally kind and selfless person or a social butterfly, all you had to do was write, which I knew I could do. More than anything, performance poetry was the perfect getaway for a shy, socially anxious girl like me. It was the way I could make my voice heard. As I later learned by going to my first night of read poetry, the experience is surreal. So many hearts on fire and burning bright in one little room, you really can’t see anything like that anywhere else.
After such a long ride to get here, I am keen on writing poetry for the years to come, and there are a few reasons for that. These might be for you to look at, if you feel like it’s not worth a try because you ‘don’t have what it takes’ or ‘there’s nothing out there that hasn’t been written about already’. I’ve already heard it from so many people, and it’s never too late for you to hear it, too: the song in your head will never change. I don’t think you ever get to a place where you are perfectly happy and comfortable with your own craft, and really, that shouldn’t even be the end game. Make it more of a, ‘do what makes you happy’ sort of goal. And now the reasons why writing poetry makes me happy.
Just to provide some examples on how my writing has evolved throughout the years: these are some fragments from Ride, which I wrote in November 2015. Here I explore the process of falling in love, thinking of it as a road trip with no plans and no destinations.
(source: personal archive)
Creating poems provides me with a safe space to express and explore my deepest, most private thoughts and feelings. It is my way of writing a story about myself and taking all of the things that I either fear or feel confused about and turning them into something pretty, or at least something easier to look at. I am quite an introspective person, and talking to other people about what’s on my mind has never made me feel as satisfied as sitting down by myself and giving them a think on my own. And of course, that can be scary and overwhelming so putting it all in a poem makes the experience a bit sweeter. There were times in my life when everything felt very hard, complex and intense, and poetry was my weapon of choice against all the things that I was either scared or insecure about. The reason why I now write poetry every single day is because it’s an emotional outlet, and it’s my coping mechanism for any challenges that I might face along the way.
Drop The Beat (February 2016) - this one revolves around the idea of getting back up after falling, and doing so despite the struggles that you go through and the lack of support from other people. It's about choosing to be different and being vocal about it.
As I’ve already brushed upon earlier, poetry gives me the opportunity to talk about things that I think are important. May it be about my life or about somebody else’s life, or just a thing I stumble upon that affects me in any way, I will write about it to capture the memory of it, and how it’s made me feel at that particular point in time. Again, this is about me expressing my thoughts and feelings on what I’m going through or exploring what a certain thing means to me. It could be that I meet someone new, or see something happen on the street, or on the other end of the spectrum, I separate from somebody really close to me or I’m having the best day ever with my friends or I really miss home. There are certain themes that resonate for me more than others, and these are usually the ones I like writing about the most. Just to name a few, I wrote a lot about romantic love, mental health, friendship, adventure, leaving home behind and starting anew. I have a string of poems that touch upon nighttime anxiety. I really enjoy writing concept poems, as well. It really depends on what strikes a chord with me and what I feel it’s worth writing about and analyse further.
Finally, writing poetry allows me to play with the language and learn new ways of using it. I’ve always been into telling and hearing stories, reading and writing them and seeing what they have to offer, and language has always meant a lot to me because it allowed me to do all these things. My passion for learning English, stemming from listening to my favourite music, was an invitation to look for new ways in which I could use it, so my message can reach the form that I wanted it to. Really, it was all an experiment and even now, I feel like it’s still trial and error, putting words together in fresh, and sometimes weird ways to see what the result is. Years later, I have to speak, read and write in English every day for my studies and for my job, but English has been in my writing for years now and after so long, I dare say that I actually got… good at it? Frankly, I am happy with where my poetry’s gotten and I am looking forward to see how it evolves in the future.
Candy (February 2018) - this one is about the feelings of insecurity that one has when they realise their lover might not feel the same about them anymore. It is also about unrealistic expectations of love and the desire to be good enough.
By this point, you’re either fed up with hearing about creative shit or you’re genuinely curious about what I do. It would mean the world to me if you took your time to check out my poetry Tumblr blog, Nils Gone Nuclear, and saw what it has to offer. I update it almost weekly with poems that I wrote and with pictures that match the visual representation that the poems have in my head (synaesthetic shit again, I honestly can’t help it). Feedback is more than welcome, as well as anything you would like to share about your own experiences with writing. How did you start? What keeps you going? Let’s inspire each other.
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Photo source: personal archive.