#metoo, and the repressed anger of womanhood - thoughts on feminism

This post has been a long time coming, and honestly, there really wasn’t any other way to do it. I’ve always had a hard time opening up about the topics soon to be touched on in this post, and both people in my life and society, more generally, haven’t exactly encouraged me to talk about them. For most of my life, these aspects have been brushed under the carpet, neatly tucked under the excuses that it’s not lady-like to talk about this, it’s weird, people will think you’re ill-mannered, and sometimes put more bluntly, you can’t do anything about it and nobody cares. And as a result of that, for most of my life I’ve struggled to accept and celebrate my identity as a cisgender woman. The place I’m in right now is good enough for me to write this post – and regardless of your gender, background and political beliefs, you should keep on reading.

IMPORTANT: For the sake of clarity, this post is entirely focused on my experience as a cisgender 20-year-old woman born with a middle-class background. As I wrote this, I was aware of the privileged positon that I’m in and if anything written here strikes you as tone-deaf, I assure you that it was not intentional. Wording is our biggest enemy when we try to discuss complex topics. This post reflects my experience with sexism as part of my background, but there are infinitely more dramatic contexts in which women everywhere, as well as individuals who identify as females are abused and discriminated. I encourage you to read further and look up articles on intersectional feminism to find out more.

Women are angry, and for good reasons. We’ve been dealing with shit for centuries now, and the way we’ve been treated has become deeply ingrained within culture, so much that we still get little bits and bobs of it on a daily basis. Sometimes, it gets worse. Sometimes, it’s not an uninvited compliment, but sexual assault. Sometimes, we lose educational and professional opportunities because of our gender. Sometimes, we’re mistreated or looked down on because of our gender. It’s not happening all the time, and I’d like to think there are girls out there who haven’t gone through any such incidents, but most of us have. Some of us got lucky. Some of us didn’t. I was fairly lucky, but I know of girls who weren’t.

The way I just worded it, it sounds dangerous and unpredictable, and that’s because it is. Hundreds of thousands of women walk out the door every morning perfectly aware of what can happen to them, in public and in private, solely as a consequence of the fact that they are women. We’ve grown so used to it that it’s no longer a thing we think of consciously, yet our defence mechanisms buzz in alert every single time we’re on the street. After years of being out and about on my own, I know who to avoid, who not to sit next to in the bus, how to act when I am being approached, in a more or less aggressive manner. And more than anything, I know the rule of silence: never say anything back, always shut up.

(photo source: AFP, attached to an article by Alex Lo, 2017)

And we had the chance to observe what the impact of staying silent can be along with the #MeToo movement, burning away for almost a year now and showing us that speaking up can bring criminals to justice. The most discrediting claim made against the #MeToo movement is by far referring to the reasons why numerous actresses and women in the film industry haven’t said anything about the abuse they suffered in the workplace for decades. I mean, how can I start on this, if not by saying that victims have, in fact, reported the abuse on numerous occasions, but the scandal has magically died down every single time? This is due to the same circumstances that have let such atrocities happen for years on end: wealthy businessmen in positions of power, certain that things would always go their way (and such abuse has happened against male victims, as well). Although the #MeToo movement hasn’t left the public eye for what is almost twelve months now, the public is still hesitant to call it a victory against sexual abuse – but are they right to have second thoughts? Really, what is different from all the previous times when women came forward to share their stories around sexual abuse and workplace misconduct?

With #MeToo, a little spark ignited a whole fire. Dozens of females involved in the film industry told their stories in an unbelievably short timespan - it was the public attack needed to reduce those who either perpetrated or condoned the abuse to silence. Yes, it was the abusers’ turn to stay quiet. The press was hungry to write about it, and the public was curious to find out more. In fact, we’ve seen all these women walk the red carpets, throw their heads back laughing in interviews, stun and impress and on so many occasions, share their thoughts on female empowerment and gender identity. It was heartbreaking to see what kind of experiences have influenced so many of these thoughts, and how charming and upbeat they managed to stay despite the ordeal they were going through. All these women united their forces, determined to say the unsaid and make a change about how people saw sexual assault. And they weren’t alone.

Thousands of women around the world joined the movement and revealed their own experiences with sexual assault and abuse. They were not celebrities, or models, or businesswomen, but they had a powerful word to say and a unique story to tell. They were coming from different backgrounds, but sexual assault was everywhere. For so many relatives, co-workers, neighbours, it was shocking to see that Susan, who studies Law and has a contagious sense of humour, has actually had this terrible encounter with a guy she met at a party. I mean, couldn’t she just say something? Maybe she had a bit too much to drink. Maybe she was wearing that red revealing dress we all suggested she’d never buy – she might’ve liked it but she should expect unwanted male attention if she walks around like that. Maybe she’s just exaggerating. And there you have them – the very reasons why women have shut up and repressed their anger, kept to themselves for so damn long.

(photo source: Billy & Hells for TIME magazine, 2017)

Nobody would’ve believed us. Everybody would’ve found the perfect alternative explanation to why this happened and why you – the victim, the person who was actually touched or approached in a way that made you feel uncomfortable and unsafe – are at fault. Everybody would make helpful suggestions on how you should’ve acted to solve the problem and get away. Everybody would pat you on the head, shrug and say, sorry, not much we can do about it, this is just how things are. Boys will be boys. Sixty-year-old men will be fucking boys. What makes us think that it’s okay for boys to feel entitled to be abusive as part of their rite of passage to adulthood? This is a story for another time.

The reason why I had trouble embracing my identity as a woman is because I have a lot of repressed anger myself. I am lucky enough to say that I sort of got away easy: I really don’t have any horrific stories to tell that would make me say, yeah, me, too. The situations that I’ve been in, though, have given me a little dose of what victims of sexual assault must go through when they try to tell their stories and they get blatantly dismissed. Calling all your male friends for help when you feel unsafe, and everybody waves you off saying that you are exaggerating, nothing will happen to you, it will all be alright. People telling you how to act in the aftermath of an incident, as though it is as easy done as said. The fear of everything escalating, walking with your head down, shoulders slouched, praying it doesn’t escalate and you look as small and as ugly as possible so nobody will carry on picking on you, but they do. Being called names or being inappropriately touched in public and nobody says a word, although aware of what’s going on or maybe not, but you are too embarrassed to turn around and react, or tell your friend who doesn’t notice that somebody is creeping their filthy hand up your skirt. I can talk about these examples for hours. I hate that I can talk about these examples for hours.

But most of all, it’s heartbreaking to spill out all of these stories to a man and have them stare you in the face with genuine regret and distress, saying that they never would’ve expected things to be that bad for you as a woman. And this shows why movements like #MeToo must never die down.

(photo source: Reuters/Shannon Stapleton, attached to an article by Lila MacLellan, 2017)

Society needs a wake-up call, letting it on the fact that we’ve had enough. It needs directed education, knowledge and awareness of these issues, and it needs us to keep on talking, it needs us to never, ever shut up again. The more we talk, the more people like my friend will know about these things. The more we talk, the more accountable people will hold those who know of these things, but conveniently said or did nothing about them. And lastly, the more we talk, the greater the chances of something being done rather than just said are. Just like with so many other problems that humanity is dealing with right now, an on-going conversation must be had. And we, as women, have the duty to be as loud, angry and uncomfortable as possible until we get what we want: justice for victims and better days for the generations to come.

As far as the long-term consequences of the #MeToo movement are concerned, I’m not sure there is anything new I can contribute with here. Things are getting better in terms of reporting of sexual assault and abuse, but stigma continues to exist, and it will probably never die. If people can’t mutually agree over how serious the issue of sexual assault is, at least now everybody knows that lack of accountability is over with: people are called out and brought to justice in the public eye for what they’ve done years, decades ago. There is no more getting away with it, and there is a new kind of power in women everywhere. Time will tell if this is enough for things to truly change, once and for all.

I’d appreciate to continue this discussion in the comments section, since there’s so much to say on this topic and I hardly even scratched the surface with this post. Also, if you want to offer feedback on this new format, I’d be happy to hear what you have to say! Feminism is a cause dear to me and I’m only at the beginning of my journey in studying it, and I would love to share the process on the blog, as well.