Alright, this is nothing like what I planned to put up today, but I’m so not in the mindset for writing a neatly structured, carefully put-together post although this blog is slowly becoming a brand, and I should start taking it seriously. This post in itself is very serious, and it’s the result of a build-up of emotions spread throughout the last few days, while I’ve been away to see a friend in a town I’ve never been to before, worked away for my final year project and had some amazing opportunities slap me in the face. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe that I should pour my thoughts out in this post. And say a couple of things I think I should finally put out there in their rawest, most unfiltered form.
Starting with the fact that I might be almost 21, but I do know what I’m doing.
Although I don’t know the exact destination that I’m heading to next, I know what I’m looking for, what kind of values and things I would want to want to attract. I know myself, I know my needs and my capacity, I know the height of my expectations, I know what I deserve. And I also know that I am so bloody tired of people thinking they know better than I do.
They don’t.
You don’t.
For example, I know how important doing good and valuable work is to me. Not half-assed work, not work you do physically but your mind wanders off somewhere else, not work devoid of emotion and passion and drive. I know how important it is for me to work well and work constantly and work towards the best result possible. I know, I felt it, I lived it on my very own skin that without effort and passion and blood and sweat, you’re not getting anywhere, or you might feel like you’re getting somewhere but really, you’ve never left square one. I know what kind of things I want and love to work for, I know what my skills are, what my strong and weak points are. I know that I’m not perfect, but I also know that I am always striving for it.
I also know where my limits start. I know I cannot always do everything, I know that I make mistakes and mess things up, and I often have trouble putting things back in the order they were in. I know I cannot take up all the projects that I set my mind on. I know I will not always be successful in whatever I pursue. I know I am human and I know that it’s smart and better in the long run if I put my needs first: I am responsible for myself, I am responsible for getting enough sleep and drinking enough water and exercising and taking care of my mental health. I know life won’t always go my way. I know anything can happen. But I also know that I have the power to attract good things in my life, and the past year has proven that to me more than anything else.
Finally, I know that I don’t know everything. Naturally, I would love to have everything written down in the books, for me to access any time to make sure that the best decisions possible are being made, but life isn’t like that. Life really isn’t like anything, it’s just a weird ride on a roller coaster and it’s up to you how you make it through, despite your fear of carousels. And the further I get through my own ride, the more I realise how many brilliant, eye-opening experiences I have to show for myself.
So when people come around and discredit said experiences and blindly believe that they know me and what I do better than myself, this is when I get angry. And even that is an understatement.
(photo source: personal archive)
The truth is, it is so bloody easy to just assume I’m a snotty little child who hasn’t bitten enough out of life yet, and maybe fine, you’re right. I’ve been lucky, blessed and privileged enough to not struggle. Unlike the way it looks, though, and just like I mentioned in another post a while ago, privilege means nothing if nothing is done with it and every day, I try to prove that. Every day, I am working hard to show that I deserve the opportunities that I have and to reap the results out of the chances that I am handed. And I would very much like not to be shamed for working hard, or talked out of working hard, or pushed to slack and stop working hard. For every decision that I have made, ranging from taking my first part-time job to moving abroad to pursue higher education in the UK, I was constantly told by people to stick to the easy options. Stay in the country, it’ll be easier. Take the summer off, relax, it’ll be easier.
No, it was never supposed to be easy. I am almost 21, now is the time for me to learn things, and some of them the hard way. I have been growing up in one crazy and confusing world, and doing things the ‘hard way’ was my way of survival. I was told that because I’m a woman, being academically inclined shouldn’t be as much of a priority for me as learning how to be a good housewife – I became more determined than ever to be an A-straight student and study abroad. I was told that creative writing is stupid and that I will never make it – almost a week ago, I self-published my book. I was told this very blog is a waste of time and not worth reading – I carried on posting weekly and I am planning on growing it more. I could’ve chosen the ‘easy way out’ for it all, but I didn’t want to. Why? Because that is not what I stand for, even though everyone told me it should be the very thing I ought to stand for.
It’s not just me, though: a lot of people in my generation can relate. The craze of social media and how important appearances have become for people, the incessant competition for the best jobs and the best families and the best holidays and the best lives. How politically insecure everything feels, and how hard it’s become to form an educated opinion for yourself. How important it is for all of us to be successful and to be taken seriously. I hate saying it, but it’s all become harder, more expensive, more demanding. Realistically speaking, we are currently living through one hell of a time in history, and I and my peers also have to become adults at this time in history. And I don’t think that’s respected or taken into consideration enough.
So, I and my friend discussed that a little bit this past weekend and frankly, it hurt me to see that I wasn’t the only one thinking all these things. I guess I secretly hoped it was my issue for I am a perfectionist but no, I’m not the only one bearing this cross of responsibility, which I can’t help but blame our parents and teachers and tutors and mentors for. Without realising, they are holding us accountable. No, they are holding us at gunpoint. You either do well and do us proud and wrap yourself up in a bubble of certainty and financial stability, or you’re a disappointment and you should’ve gathered yourself together long ago.
As for me, I am being told that I work too much. Yes, the very same thing that’s been rubbed in my face for years. Take it easy. Relax. Have some fun. If I had said fun, I bet I would’ve been told I have too much of that, too.
I’m not a baby that needs support to walk, because otherwise I’d crawl. I’m almost 21, I know, but I do know what I’m doing, and I know myself better than everybody else.
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Photo sources: personal archive.