“We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.”
- Taylor Swift
So, it has been a while.
The start of 2019 has been both the best and the worst two months I could have wished for. Saying life gets complicated sometimes is a massive understatement. I’ve come out to the other end with an immense feeling of gratitude: gratitude for the blessings that I have in my life, and gratitude for the plethora of lessons I have learned along the way. And some of these lessons revolve around fear.
‘Fear’ is a powerful word. It amazes me how, in my mother tongue, there is no word strong enough to convey the sort of meaning that ‘fear’ holds. In fact, I think one of the reasons I prefer doing my creative writing in English is because there are a lot more words in English that can help me express how I feel, ‘fear’ being one of them.
In these past two months, I’ve realised that I’m not aiming to change my life by excelling at uni or at my job, taking up new projects, working out more or journaling every day. Instead, I aim to change my life by stopping living in fear. Fear of many things, of the known and unknown alike, fear of illness, loneliness and trauma I haven’t yet learned how to manage. Fear of what others might think about me, and fear of what I think about myself. Fear I built with my own thoughts in the realm of my mind. Fear others instilled in me.
Fear that looks nothing like a small figure shivering incessantly in the corner of the room. My fear looks more like comfort and dissemination, not taking up opportunities that challenge me and slouching when I’m not entirely sure my hair looks right. Fending off compliments and overthinking every word said my way. Running too fast to make sure I’m not left behind, and often falling in the process. Clinging on to people that don’t serve me right, and bluntly refusing to open up to people who care. Making compromises and bending myself in four to confirm the expectations of those who think they know me – but they don’t know me at all.
These past two months, I have made decisions that changed my life, and watched the aftermath unfold in front of my eyes. I have seen the true colours of people that I used to think of as my ride or die, and separated from them when our relationships became too toxic for me. I have seen the judgement on the faces of those who still wanted to be around me, and learned that no matter what you do, you will never be able to please everybody. I have witnessed others’ frustration with my suddenly claimed independence, and for a little bit, almost believed I made a mistake.
Some amazing things were gained along the way. Great people and wonderful memories. Confidence and plenty of smiles on my part. A lot of poetry I am simply ecstatic to share with the world. Finally, the pay-off for the hard work I’ve put into uni and work for the past few months. And these amazing things have become my daily reminder that, by claiming my independence suddenly and refusing to give in to my fears, I did the right thing.
I’m the kind of person that loves sharing a lot of herself, maybe because I strongly believe in the power of storytelling, maybe because I crave validation a bit too much. It was for the first time in my life, during these two months, that I wanted to keep my happiness, everything that’s happened to me and everything that I made happen, mostly to myself. Do I regret it now? Not at all. Am I a bit insecure around writing candidly about my life again? Absolutely. I do believe it will take me a little while to get back into the habit. And to some extent, I know my craft will not be the same again, mostly because I’m no longer the same person I was two months ago.
But change is good, change is what life is all about. At the moment, I am working on embracing change as it happens outside of my carefully put together plans. At the moment, I am working on understanding where my life is going, and the kind of role I want to play in the grand scheme of things. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed – I'm still trying to figure it out.
With this post, I think what I’m trying to say is that I want to make my way back. Writing and sharing again, with the hope that you are still in for the ride. Next post is coming on Wednesday, this time I mean it.
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