Yes, it’s that time again: I’ve started my week with a completely different post planned for today, and yet here I am, turning around halfway to write something else. Something that’s been on my mind for a little while now, more precisely, for the month I’ve already spent back in my family home, in Romania. I have a lot of conflicting feelings every time I come back here, and this time around it’s been the hardest for me to adjust and cope because it’s probably the first time I’m coming back as a different person. The last year of my life has seen so many changes to who I am as a person, to my attitude towards life and to my mindset, so coming back into my ‘old’ life feels like forcing a piece of puzzle to fit in an image it doesn’t belong to.
The struggle has taken such a toll on me, in fact, that I had a hard time enjoying my summer so far. I rather preferred engrossing myself into work, writing away and reading and revising and planning for projects that will become reality starting with September, when I am back in my element and in the UK. I gave up seeking people out and started to feel more comfortable in my own or my family’s company. I also spent an awful lot of my time reflecting on how I changed as a person, and how unfair it feels that this space I’m in for the time being, and the people and situations that are part of it sort of wished… I didn’t change to begin with. So yeah, from this you can probably imagine what an awesome time I’ve had so far.
I felt like I was slowly slipping into a rut and I didn’t like that, so obviously, I decided to do something about it. And because this is my blog and I share a lot of my personality and experiences in here, I thought I’d let you on a few of my thoughts on why resetting your life is worth the effort. Maybe you feel the need for a change, too, and that’s a thing we can perhaps navigate through together.
The corner of my desk while I'm working: flowers, a drink and a Taylor Swift record.
(source: personal archive)
The one big step that I first took was probably the most difficult obstacle to overcome: I had to acknowledge that I was worth a positive change in my life. If you’re not like this, then I’m absolutely jealous of you, but I honestly don’t have that great of an opinion of myself most of the time. I might’ve grown up in years and experience, but I haven’t made much progress in terms of confidence and self-esteem, and the fact that I’m a perfectionist hasn’t helped either: it is just so easy for me to notice and focus on the things that I do wrong rather than the things that I do right. For all I know, this might be your case, too, and you might not always be on the best terms with yourself. You might even do what I did, which is surround yourself with negative and abusive people, whose load of insecurities you ended up carrying because you’re empathetic like I am. In conditions like this, it’s so hard not to address yourself a few bad names. And since negativity itself is such an immersive habit, it’s very hard to break, too.
It will take a lot of time and energy, but it will all prove to be worth it once you gain the ability to work around the negativity coming your way. For resetting my life, I am willingly going back to square one, which is also the most important lesson I’ve had to learn in the last year: I am worthy. I am worthy of success, I am worthy of good things happening to me, I am worthy of living a good and fulfilling life. No matter what other people have told me, no matter what the worst situations I’ve been in could say, this is a given truth and there is nothing in this world that can change it. I’ve also come to a rational understanding of why the world sometimes seems so keen on convincing us that we are not, in fact, worthy: first of all, it’s so much easier to give in to negativity rather than actively choose a positive outlook. Then, other people enjoy making others feel bad; it eases their process of dealing with their own insecurities because, oh look, somebody seems to be having it worse. I understand why so many opt for this mindset, but that doesn’t erode my capacity to choose something different, and that’s essentially the first thing that I do, every day, to change my life.
For me, it’s become more and more transparent how important the idea of choice is in terms of where our lives are going. Again, I’ve always felt like the way we’ve been raised and educated sort of discouraged freedom of choice or at least, growing hopes and dreams. I am in awe with how much of an impact my choices have had on how my life looks now and on where I’m at this particular point and age; if I were to choose differently, listen to other people’s advice on the choices I should make or let them make those choices for me, I would be in a completely different place now, one that would make me tragically unhappy. There was a lot of luck involved, indeed, and there were also workings of the universe that in no way do I expect myself to ever understand, but my choices were there to pave the path that I walked. They were my map and my guiding lantern in the darkness. If you’re not satisfied with where your life is going, I can’t stress how important it is that you understand that you have to choose to make that change if you want that change to happen. It won’t happen unless you work for it, unless you act towards it, unless you direct your resources that way. Change can happen so many different ways, that’s for you to plan and think about, but having that intention, that desire to act is the place to start.
Again, that will definitely not be easy and it won’t happen overnight. By all means, this is another dilemma I struggled with in the last year, around how much time change needs to exist for to actually be deemed a successful change. There is no deadline, no time limit you can or should use as a guide, and if there is any, I don’t think I even want to use it as a frame of reference. At this point in my life, I am perfectly happy with just saying that change is successful for every minute you spend implementing it, on and on. I, for one, that’s all I need.
Making the right choices for yourself depends on your needs and desires, and exploring them requires some serious self-reflection and self-exploration. Which again, you can do in your own time and in various ways. For me, change means taking better care of my physical and mental health, dropping bad habits and implementing new ones, and letting go of people and things that bring toxicity in my life. I am mad about self-improvement, I love reading on it and doing bits and bobs to make my life better, so that will help me along the way, too. I am also keen on training my self-discipline and work ethic, and I am prioritising building healthy boundaries between me and other people and things that make me feel bad. You might have the same things in mind when you think about change, or not, and both ways are totally fine.
I took this picture back in April of 2017 - it was difficult to see the colours in my life back then. I've been growing and learning ever since.
(source: personal archive)
Regardless of what your views on change are, it’s encouraging and also wise to keep in mind that nothing is permanent. At one end of the spectrum, the way you feel right now will not last forever, obstacles placed in your way to achieve what you want for yourself will not be there always. Things change, seasons change and all of this is out of your control, and because of that, you needn’t worry about it. All you should worry about is the way you respond to circumstances being thrown in your direction, because that’s all you can control – and we’ve already learned that you have full control over that. Maybe you’re not having your best day, or week, or even year but time goes by and things will not stay the same. Maybe you’re having the best nine months of your life and everything seems to be outstanding, but that doesn’t mean that you’re settled for life, that you won’t struggle or that it won’t become hard again. At the other end of the spectrum, your life is not permanent either. You’re human, therefore, you’re not immortal and you have a limited amount of time you ought to spend walking this earth. Bear with me, that’s the darkest this train of thought will get. Because your life is not permanent, it’s crucial that you make the most out of the time that you do have to spend walking this earth, and that highlights just how important it is that you make that change if you feel like you need it. There is no time to waste and there is nothing in particular that you need to get started. All you have to do is, as I already said, choose to make this change happen. Which again, you have full control over, yadda yadda yadda, I feel like we are running in circles now.
These are my thoughts on what getting out of a rut and resetting my life actually mean to me. Just some bits that I felt like sharing especially since some of you might need them – they really won’t have any effect on your life unless you learn them yourself, but this post is a good place to start like any other. This post comes from a place of great hope and calm, which I would love to last. I would also be delighted to share this journey that I’ve started on with you, through my writing.
What are your thoughts on getting out of a rut and having a fresh start in your life? Feel free to continue the conversation in the comments down below, the very same place where you can drop your suggestions and ideas for the blog if you have any. But other than that, have an awesome end of the week!
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Photo sources: personal archive.